I was having a lovely ladies’ social hour with the heavenly host when a little novice angel flew among us and informed me that there was trouble below on Earth.
One of Lucifer’s gargoyles was causing problems in the American city of Metropolis - always a trouble-spot - and I was assigned to deal with the creature.
Much as I disliked the interruption of our hair-braiding and theological gossip, I was thrilled to receive the assignment. It had been eons since I had confronted a nemesis from down below, and I was itching for combat with all my warrior energy.
I arrived at the scene moments later, just as the morning star was setting. My wings beat quietly and slow as I settled atop one of the tall brick caves that our children have been using as dwellings recently.
Looking far beneath I saw the troublemaker surrounded by many overturned vehicles with flashing lights and blaring sirens. Thank Heaven the men fleeing the wreckage took less damage, I thought.
"You’re welcome," Heaven replied. "Now get to work. We don’t have eternity. Well, we do, but you know what I mean."
The evildoer was typical of Lucifer’s marionettes, a fallen angel mostly man, partly snake, with huge bat wings. A revolting type, but clearly dazzled with himself, and frightening to the mortals. He was holding upside down a man in a blue uniform, threatening to tear him to ribbons, or perhaps hack him to pieces. He was rather far away.
I flew at him full speed from behind, snatching the human in my strong arms like a quivering child. Tenderly setting him down in safety, I backhanded the beast across the cheek with righteous violence, darkening its flesh and instantly winning its attention.
I stood back and let my full figure be known to the arrogant male. His jaw went slack in disbelief, as if I was a statue come to life.
His powerfully built frame paled in comparison to my physique, thick with dense feminine muscle. This fact was not lost on him, and it temporarily took the wind from his sails.
"Begone, ogre! Back to the lowest circle and away from these innocents! But first, prepare to suffer as you made them suffer!"
It hissed as if I were an affront to his manhood, to his strength. Pfft. The demon was twice my size or more, so hardly a worthy adversary. I had no question that I would grind his puny bones to dust. And perhaps add its blood to make the powder a paste.
"Hark, villain!" I trumpeted. "These violent delights have violent ends!"
Its serpent tongue slithered forth to hiss a reply, but I denied it the chance. I seized the fleshy cord with one hand, twisted hard and pulled down, felling the impetuous creature to its knees.
"Ouch!" it wailed.
"Silence! Cease this iniquity," I ordered, squeezing its wet tongue harder, "thou foul, accursed minister of hell!" Again my backhand struck him like a crack of thunder. He begged, lisping and pleading with me as he declared his utter inferiority to me, hoping I would be moved by his contrition.
I showed him that he had no escape through such declarations. He had one use to me and one only, as a recipient of pain.
Its dark, infernal eyes went wide as I pulled the tentacle from his mouth and cast it aside. I had no interest in wasting time in debate.
My fists moved like an artisan’s hammers, his mighty frame covered by the bruised patchwork of colors their impact created.
He was not yet a broken demon, and still clung furiously to the fragments of his corrupt pride. It tried to rain thunderous blows down upon me. Most I batted aside as flies. Those that struck me further ignited my flame of battle.
It tried to fight back, but its fight was in vain. It tried scurrying to safety, with as little luck.
"Ugly, venomous toad!"
With desperate fear he tried to launch himself above. I would not give him the chance of an aerial battle nor the possibility of exit. Seizing both his wings from behind at the shoulder, my fingers squeezed his muscles down to the bone and pulled them away from each other. I clutched with ever greater power and kept the trapped limbs from beating his race to freedom. Their surging efforts weakened to fluttering exhaustion and then stillness as they began to stretch and rip. I pulled them both free from the beast’s rotator cuffs. I tossed them where I had left the fiend’s long tongue.
Then he flew, because I threw him, hurtling across the street until he struck a distant brick wall. He slipped down to hosannahs of praise from the crowds of young mortals watching, and giggles by the sideline groups of chubby little Cupids who had begun to gather above.
"How you have fallen from Heaven," I declared. "I threw you to the earth."
The demon was speechlessly miming mea culpa apologies and asking forgiveness for its sins. Of course that is not the way of we blessed bounty hunters. We sisters are explicitly assigned to chastise the Devil’s henchmen to the harshest level of the law, to make it "hurt like hell." Allowing our human children to witness it is a good lesson to correct the greedy and corrupt world of man.
My jaw jarring uppercut dropped the fiendish puppet to his buttocks skidding across the pavement. Its eyes nearly popped from the force and shock. Tough love, we call it.
Seizing his head, I asserted my authority, slamming his face into the brick wall 1,2,3,4,23 times. A line of sweat formed across his brow as he raged and thrashed about desperately trying to free himself. Still, I held him in place with no strain, clearing the cobwebs from its mind with 6 more forceful cracks of his skull against stone.
I placed my right knee in the middle of his back, and bent him over backwards. "AARRGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" he screamed. Lowering my leg, I dropped over backwards bringing him with me. I laid on the ground with him above, wrapped my smooth, strong legs around his waist and locked my ankles. I tightened my legs on his ribs with about half of my divine strength. He instantly began screaming again.
Since I had torn its power of lucid speech from the demon’s throat, it could not surrender. The only protest It could manage were the groans of pain that escaped his lips as I cranked up the twisting force on the hold. While it couldn’t utter words, its thoughts were clear to me.
"OH GOD! OH GOD! YOU'RE CRUSHING MY RIBS!" it thought. "IT HURTS! PLEASE STOP! IT HURTS!"
"Silence! Of course it hurts you idiot. It's supposed to," I scoffed at the sobbing creature. "Now take your punishment like a man," I said as I crushed harder. "And stop the bad language."
"JESUS CHRIST, THE PAIN!" he thought. So I leaned back on my hands and applied more pressure.
"AARRGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" he howled again at full volume.
The crowd was completely mesmerized as they watched me overpower the mighty demon. They simply couldn't believe how easily I was dominating a fierce he-beast twice my size. Yet he was the one crying uncontrollably, while I was laughing and enjoying my holy duty. If they weren't witnessing the fiend's destruction with their own eyes, they wouldn't have believed it. It just didn't seem possible.
By now the gargoyle’s terror stretched farther than the eye can see. After this terrible beating, I knew it would never find the courage to rebel again.
"Now concentrate," I commanded. "Fear of me shall be your constant companion. Renounce thy wickedness and sin no more!"
He slumped to the street and began to worship his angelic superior. He placed tender kisses all over my bare feet to show how much he adored being her minion. I stood above the creature and smiled. Sinful males are so weak, I thought to myself. A simple touch in the right place, with the right power, and the cowards are yours to control as you please.
As the human crowds cheered, I accepted his adoring worship. Then I bound him into a sobbing bundle, carried him away beaten and imprisoned, and cast him into the lake of fire. On my way home, I sent The Heavenly Government a message of Metropolis’s salvation and my adversary’s painful defeat and conversion. Once again, everything was right with the world, hallelujah.